Paranormal Activity
October 28, 2009 07:37 PM
Cast: Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Tim Piper
Full Cast/Production Credits
I’ll bet that “Paranormal Activity” was really scary. I’ll bet it was incredibly creepy. Stuffed with legitimate scares and satisfying jolts. Yep, I’ll bet I would have LOVED it. It sounds like I didn’t see it, doesn’t it? Oh I saw it all right. I saw it with The Brazilian. Yep, it was me, him and…..
The Worst Movie Audience….Ever.
I went to great lengths to shelter myself from all of the publicity and fan fare that has encompassed “Paranormal Activity.” All I knew was that it was about this couple who lived in a haunted condo and wanted to catch the spirit on video.
I wanted to see if it was really as scary as I had begun to hear that it was. Go in with an open mind and my hopes not too unrealistically high. I had my popcorn, my Fella and a deep-rooted love for quality scary movies. This was going to be fun!
And to my absolute horror… the sizeable audience had either seen it already and brought their squealing girlfriends with them this time, or had read about every single scare in the film and loudly anticipated each spook, rattle and roll with a loud, anticipatory “Watch out!” or “Sssh…watch this. Look at that light. Did you see it?” followed by more yelps being flung out before there was anything to yelp at.
The quiet, steady build and frighteningly tense anticipation that the filmmaker had intended was smashed and squished by this over eager, bilious, audience of knuckleheads and girls looking for an excuse to scream their way into the armpit or, even better, the chest of the boy that they like. When else would they have an excuse or chance to get away with it? Let the screaming begin! Even when there’s nothing to scream at. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Right?
The Brazilian had the singular pleasure of sitting in front of a “Kicker.” Like a metronome from Movie Theater Hell, there was a constant “Tap…Tap… Tap” on the back of his chair. It would speed up when the film would start getting scarier, “taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap”, and no amount of “ssh-ing” or turning around with dirty looks or “Cut The Crap Caspar” stares, coughs and muttering would stop the endless rhythm on the back of his chair.
Dudes, we’ve got kids. Little kids. We rarely get to make it out to a movie that doesn’t feature Super Heroes, Talking Cars or Chimps. I don’t have to tell you how important it is to go see a “Grown Up” movie once in a while. Unfortunately, the audience at this one was filled with Talking Chimps and Super Idiots.
Obviously, my imperfect viewing experience has tainted my review of a film that I’m sure I would have dug way more than I did. From what I could tell the performances of Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston were spot on. Understated and believable in their transition from banal banter to unabated terror, they never seemed like they were acting. I guess the pacing was good. The quiet scenes (well, the scenes that were supposed to be quiet) probably helped build the tension to an extent that when something did jump out, it really scared the crap outta you.
A lot has been said and written regarding the paltry production cost of $15,000. Virtually chump change when compared to the big, fat bloated CGI cinematic blobs that Hollywood has been churning out lately. It seems to have people asking “How can something so cheap be so awesome?” Geez, maybe it’s because there were no Studio Suits haunting the production, getting in the way and turning the director’s vision into mashed potatoes.
Despite me and The Brazilian’s loser movie theater audience experience. I give “Paranormal Activity” 7 Squats. Why not 10? Because, even with a perfect viewing experience, it wasn’t that good. Speaking of 10….give me 10 push ups, 10 Jacks and 10 Alternating Lunges 10 times for at least 10 minutes. I’m still ticked off and you’re going to have to make me feel better.
In case you’re interested in finding your own ghosts, check this out.
In case you or someone you know needs a refresher course in movie theater etiquette, this should help.
Happy Halloween!!!
And to my absolute horror… the sizeable audience had either seen it already and brought their squealing girlfriends with them this time, or had read about every single scare in the film and loudly anticipated each spook, rattle and roll with a loud, anticipatory “Watch out!” or “Sssh…watch this. Look at that light. Did you see it?” followed by more yelps being flung out before there was anything to yelp at.
The quiet, steady build and frighteningly tense anticipation that the filmmaker had intended was smashed and squished by this over eager, bilious, audience of knuckleheads and girls looking for an excuse to scream their way into the armpit or, even better, the chest of the boy that they like. When else would they have an excuse or chance to get away with it? Let the screaming begin! Even when there’s nothing to scream at. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. Right?
The Brazilian had the singular pleasure of sitting in front of a “Kicker.” Like a metronome from Movie Theater Hell, there was a constant “Tap…Tap… Tap” on the back of his chair. It would speed up when the film would start getting scarier, “taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap”, and no amount of “ssh-ing” or turning around with dirty looks or “Cut The Crap Caspar” stares, coughs and muttering would stop the endless rhythm on the back of his chair.
Dudes, we’ve got kids. Little kids. We rarely get to make it out to a movie that doesn’t feature Super Heroes, Talking Cars or Chimps. I don’t have to tell you how important it is to go see a “Grown Up” movie once in a while. Unfortunately, the audience at this one was filled with Talking Chimps and Super Idiots.
Obviously, my imperfect viewing experience has tainted my review of a film that I’m sure I would have dug way more than I did. From what I could tell the performances of Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston were spot on. Understated and believable in their transition from banal banter to unabated terror, they never seemed like they were acting. I guess the pacing was good. The quiet scenes (well, the scenes that were supposed to be quiet) probably helped build the tension to an extent that when something did jump out, it really scared the crap outta you.
A lot has been said and written regarding the paltry production cost of $15,000. Virtually chump change when compared to the big, fat bloated CGI cinematic blobs that Hollywood has been churning out lately. It seems to have people asking “How can something so cheap be so awesome?” Geez, maybe it’s because there were no Studio Suits haunting the production, getting in the way and turning the director’s vision into mashed potatoes.
Despite me and The Brazilian’s loser movie theater audience experience. I give “Paranormal Activity” 7 Squats. Why not 10? Because, even with a perfect viewing experience, it wasn’t that good. Speaking of 10….give me 10 push ups, 10 Jacks and 10 Alternating Lunges 10 times for at least 10 minutes. I’m still ticked off and you’re going to have to make me feel better.
In case you’re interested in finding your own ghosts, check this out.
In case you or someone you know needs a refresher course in movie theater etiquette, this should help.
Happy Halloween!!!
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